To have loved and lost

It’s been more than a year since Sadie Rose died and now we’re eagerly awaiting the birth of our second child, which could happen any day. I realized this week that I’ve been pregnant 17 out of the 23 months Lee and I have been married and most of the non-pregnant months were after Sadie’s birth and death. Many people would still consider us newlyweds, but I don’t feel that way.

I thank God every day for an understanding and patient husband.

We grieve in our own way and in our own time. Sometimes he is strong while I cry and turn away from him, other times he is nervous and sad and I offer him encouragement. Although we have both found a degree of healing, the pain, the love for our firstborn, will never go away.

I remember times when I would excuse myself to go take a shower so the water could wash my tears away as they fell. Maybe I felt like washing the tears away would also wash away my pain. It didn’t work. I remember holding her blanket to my face, drinking in her scent as I sobbed until I had no breath. I remember worrying that the constant reminders would never go away and then becoming terrified when it seemed they were disappearing.

But we’ve managed. In our experience, the first objective was to just hold on, to keep from drowning in our sorrow and take each moment as it came to us, minute-by-minute at first and then hour-by-hour. After the holding on, we we’re able to move on. Not to forget or pretend it never happened, but to remember. We’ve learned to smile again, to find healing in our faith, ourselves and each other.

We are forever changed, marked with the scars of unspeakable grief, but better off as individuals and as a couple because we took the chance to love. Even though things didn’t go as we had planned, we would never go back to our lives before Sadie and choose not to get pregnant. She gave us too much and we are glad to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.

Introduction

Hi everyone,

Welcome to the blog for The Sadie Rose Foundation. Our goal is to connect with other families and individuals who have experienced the loss of a child. We hope to create a network of support and encouragement for those experiencing empty arms.

Having lost our first-born, Sadie Rose, in June of 2007, we know that the sense of loss never goes away. We've also found an unusual bond between parents and families who have suffered the loss of a child.

The prayer from us at the SRF is that somehow, by sharing the ups and downs and highs and lows of our experiences with each other, we can rise up from the ashes of our charred emotions to find and share hope again.

We are not trained professionals on grief and loss and do not claim to have answers..., we're here to support each other and we only have our own experiences to draw from. However, we do have references for professional services if someone is interested.

You can read our story and share yours on our Web site at http://www.sadierosefoundation.org/.

Peace,
Regina Harlow